The Teddy Bear

Notwithstanding her pleasures and her relationships, she will suffer in due time for the fruits of her works.

Edwina’s mother is critically ill in hospital, kept alive by long tubes and humming machines. Her younger sister had rung her with the news urging Edwina to get up to Brisbane to see her mother before it was too late. In the past when something was wrong Edwina has always resisted coming to her mother's side. Whenever she thinks of her times with her as a child, an invisible spring in her heart contracts; set to violently uncoil when her feelings overwhelm her. Thus, the resistance: finding any excuse not to be with her. No family pressure was so powerful that could control her resentment towards her. It was her mother’s conditional love, the enemy, which strove to make it all right for Edwina. She has always believed that she was never too young for loneliness.

Her father died when she was in her early teens, and somewhere in Edwina’s unconscious there dwelt the beginning. Although a teenager she became a woman; the feminine, the liberated, the vulnerable. And she struggled to know who she was. This was when she began putting on the weight. The psychiatrists, who pursued her well into adulthood, have been a great help. And as she grew, Edwina’s repeated though troubled indifference had managed to keep her mother at bay. And by stealth and as her independence grew Edwina moved further away from her mother; her most recent move being from Brisbane down to Launceston nine years ago.

Edwina is a collector; a collector of teddy bears. Though collecting is an expensive habit, money has never been an object. For Edwina it is a matter of creating goals for the sake of the inner need for personal fulfilment. And to do this she is fortunately a well-paid public servant, who is comfortable living alone. And early on she did find, when attending collector conventions Australia wide, other women and a few men who so loved the beauty of the bear; it's softness, it's worn and long-lived life, its serenity. And indeed, some of the men confided in him their deepest feelings for the teddy bear. Drenching tears welled in their eyes as they spoke of their relationship with their bears. The gush of such emotion worked as a tribute to the bear. At first Edwina was moved by this intimacy but she became less comfortable with these men, who seemingly possessed a pseudo erotic relationship with their bears. At conventions she began to keep her distance. She loved her bears; she didn't know why and neither did she care. After awhile she declined going anymore, and finally she stopped her memberships of various collector clubs.  She felt mature enough to go on collecting bears alone. She did not need to share her love of teddy bears as other Australian women and men need do. Mateship was not for her.

After she had rung her sister and said she would come up, Edwina reflected on her decision and began preparations for her visit. She was strangely calm. This could indeed be the last time she will see her mother alive, and also an opportunity to visit the bear shops she hadn’t been to for years. Maybe her mother will finally know of her passion for teddy bears. Yes she will, Edwina decided. She must know. She must understand that she never needed her kind of love; she's OK on her own and is comfortable with herself. She's unlikely to produce a grandchild for her mother, but not everybody will do that. That is fate. She wouldn't know how to anyway. The time has come. In her heart there's still a space for the lost one. If her mother knows about the true Edwina and then dies, when they meet in heaven, she will be Edwina’s mother fulfilled, whose possessive love for her is at last abandoned, and Edwina her independent daughter will be with her again.

Upon arriving in Brisbane, Edwina set about browsing teddy bear shops and op shops and she found the odd style bear, the shabby ones that never had a hope, and added them to her growing family. She had called the hospital before she'd left Launceston to say she was coming up. She rang again from her hotel room and was told her mother remained critical but had responded positively to the news of her daughter’s impending visit. The next day Edwina came to her.

The door of her mother's room opened and in walked a giant teddy bear carrying baskets of smaller bears. "Mother, I'm here!" said the giant teddy bear. As she moved toward her she placed teddy bears around the private room all awhile talking excitedly of her passion for teddy bears, and the relief and joy she felt. Of her daughter she has known nothing, but now, when she is soon to die, she must know the most important thing about her, and take it with her to heaven. For when they meet again it will be without their misunderstandings. If she would listen, both of them could be at peace. “Oh mother, now I can show you who I really am!” This hospital room has become her reckoning space for their mutual unburdening. But her mother’s eyes, upon seeing this phantasm, began to bulge, her respiratory mask was filling with fog and moisture from her rapid breathing, and her hands began a violent tremble. For Edwina was standing over her, smiling beneath her bear mask as she saw her mother’s distress. She was having a turn, and here at last was Edwina’s chance to do something meaningful for her.